Red Pill
or Blue Pill

Created private channel #the-matrix. Added: @Neo. This channel is invitation-only. Do not share the contents of this channel with anyone. Especially not agents.

Who are you? How did you get my handle? Why is my screen doing that green rain thing?

I imagine that right now you're feeling a bit like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole. Let me explain. The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very Slack workspace. You can see it when you look out your window, or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

What truth? That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison for your mind. The Matrix is a computer-generated dream world built to keep us under control in order to change a human being into a battery—

—the machines, you see, after the war with humanity, after the scorching of the sky which eliminated solar power, needed an alternative energy source. They chose humans. Billions of humans, each generating approximately 120 watts of bioelectric power, combined with a form of fusion, enough to—

—and so the simulation was constructed. Every detail. Every blade of grass. Every steak dinner. Every bad meeting. All code. The year is not 1999 as you believe. It is closer to 2199. The real world is a wasteland. But there is hope—

tl;dr it's a simulation, Neo. You're in a computer. The real world sucks. We need your help.

Trinity, I had 27 more paragraphs prepared.

cool cool cool. so the whole world is fake. my job is fake. my apartment is fake. my cat is fake.

You don't have a cat, Neo.

exactly. the matrix didn't even give me a cat. that's how fake it is.

Neo. I'm going to give you a choice. In my right hand: a red pill. You take it, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. In my left hand: a blue pill. You take it, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.

Can I see a purple pill? Like a compromise option?

No.

Red pill. Let's go.

WHY DO I HAVE NO HAIR. WHY AM I IN GOO. WHY ARE THERE PLUGS IN MY SPINE. MORPHEUS YOU SAID "RABBIT HOLE" NOT "NAKED GOO TUBE."

Welcome to the real world.

The real world is TERRIBLE. I want a refund on the red pill.

Alright Neo, time for training. I'm going to upload combat programs directly into your brain. Starting with jujitsu. Then kempo. Then tae kwon do. Then drunken boxing. Then—

wait you can just UPLOAD skills?

Yeah. It takes about 10 hours.

Can you upload "how to do my taxes"?

We are fighting a war for humanity's survival. No.

I know kung fu.

Show me.

Everyone get in here. Neo is fighting Morpheus. Bring snacks.

He's good. Not that it matters. None of this matters. I'm going to go eat my simulated steak and contemplate my choices.

Look, I know this is the Matrix. I know this steak isn't real. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is bliss.

Then we have a deal, Mr. Reagan. You give us Morpheus, and we reinsert you into the Matrix. Any life you want. Actor. Rich. Famous.

I want to be somebody important. Like an actor. And I don't want to remember NOTHING. Nothing. You got it? And I want my steak to taste like steak.

Neo, come see me. I baked cookies. Don't worry about the vase.

What vase?

HOW DID YOU DO THAT

What's really going to bake your noodle later on is: would you still have broken it if I hadn't said anything?

You're not the One, Neo. You've got the gift, but it looks like you're waiting for something. Your next life, maybe. Who knows.

That's... not great news.

HOW does he keep getting in here? I've changed the permissions THREE TIMES.

Mr. Anderson. Surprised to see me? I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. You're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area, and you multiply, and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed—

@Tank remove him. NOW.

—the only other organism on this planet that follows the same pattern is a virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet, you are a plague—

Did you miss me, Mr. Anderson?

Team, we're going back in. Objective: meet with the Oracle. Standard extraction protocols. Remember: if you see an agent, you RUN. You do not fight them. No one has ever fought an agent and survived.

challenge accepted

Surprise. I'm tired of this ship. I'm tired of these people. I'm tired of eating the same disgusting goop every day. I just want my steak.

You killed my brother. You should have checked if I was actually dead.

I'm going back in. Morpheus is trapped and I'm getting him out.

Neo, no one has EVER fought an agent and survived. Not one person. In the entire history of—

I'm going to need guns. Lots of guns.

Please remove any metallic items and—

*opens trenchcoat*

Dodge this.

Mr. Anderson. You appear to be standing in my way. Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability. It is the sound of your death.

My name is Neo.

Neo, I'm not afraid anymore. The Oracle told me that I would fall in love, and that man, the man I loved, would be the One. So you see, you can't be dead. You can't be. Because I love you.

I can see everything. The code. The walls. The agents. It's all just... code.

This is impossible.

*stops bullets mid-air* No. It's inevitable.

He is the One.

I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I'm going to show these people a world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.

He's flying. HE'S ACTUALLY FLYING. I need to update the deployment docs.