Theme Park
Safety Audit

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Jurassic Park! Well, not yet. Welcome to the pre-opening safety audit. I’ve spared no expense on this presentation. There are pastries.

John, before we start — I need to remind everyone that our investors are nervous. We need this audit to go well. The board wants a green light by Friday.

I’m still not entirely clear why I’m here. I’m a paleontologist. I dig up bones. I am not a theme park safety auditor.

You’re here because you’re the foremost expert on dinosaurs, Alan.

I’m an expert on dead dinosaurs. There is a significant difference.

I’m a paleobotanist. I study ancient plants. Also not a safety auditor. But I’m here because Alan needed someone to drive.

[Leaning back in chair, leather jacket creaking.] I’m a mathematician. Specifically, I specialize in chaos theory. And I can tell you right now — before seeing a single dinosaur, before reviewing a single safety protocol — that this park will fail.

Ian, we haven’t even started the presentation.

I don’t need to see the presentation. You are attempting to control a complex adaptive system. Nature is inherently unpredictable. You’re playing God with organisms that ruled the Earth for 165 million years, and you’re containing them with [checks notes] electric fences.

They are very good electric fences. 10,000 volts.

Life, uh, finds a way.

Editor's note: Malcolm will say this seven more times during the meeting.

Can we move to the financials? Projected first-year revenue for Jurassic Park is $1.5 billion. Ticket prices will be—

You’re charging people money to see dinosaurs?

Of course we’re charging money. This isn’t a charity. The coupon day alone will—

You’re selling tickets to see apex predators contained by electrical infrastructure on a remote island with a skeleton staff and no mainland emergency response. This is a disaster waiting to happen.

Let’s move to the safety checklist. Ray, would you walk us through the systems?

[Lighting a cigarette.] Right. Safety checklist. Perimeter fencing: operational, 10,000 volts, checked daily. Motion sensors in all paddocks: operational. GPS tracking on all dinosaurs: operational via lysine contingency implants. Automated feeding systems: operational. Redundant power systems: operational, with backup generators.

What happens if the power goes out?

The backup generators kick in automatically.

And if the backup generators fail?

[Long pause.] Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Life finds a way.

What about the Velociraptors? Your brochure says you have Velociraptors. Those are pack hunters. Extremely intelligent. What’s the containment protocol?

The Raptors are in a reinforced paddock with electrified fencing and a feeding crane so no staff member has to enter the enclosure. They are the most dangerous animals on this island. They should be destroyed.

We are not destroying the Velociraptors, Robert. They are the star attraction.

They’ve already killed two workers. They test the fences systematically. They remember patterns. They’re problem-solving, John.

That is very clever of them. The guests will love it.

The guests will be eaten, John.

Can we not use the word ‘eaten’ in the safety audit? Investors are reading this.

You know what? Let me draw a diagram. [Stands up, goes to whiteboard.] This is a chaos theory diagram. See this line? This represents your control systems. And this curve? This is the unpredictable behavior of complex organisms. At some point — and I cannot tell you when, only that it is mathematically inevitable — the curve overtakes the line. That is when things fall apart.

I don’t understand the diagram.

Nobody ever does. But trust me, the math is right. Life finds a way.

Editor's note: That is three times now.

Let’s move on to the safety audit checklist. Ray, do you have the formal document?

Yes. Here it is. [Distributes one-page document.]

This is… one page?

We like to keep it streamlined.

[Reading.] Fencing: Yes. Redundant power systems: Yes. Automated feeding: Yes. Emergency evacuation plan: Yes. Staff safety training: Yes. Plan for if dinosaurs escape: …N/A?

The dinosaurs won’t escape. That’s why it’s not applicable.

You can’t put N/A on the question ‘what happens if dinosaurs escape.’ The whole point of a safety audit is to plan for things you think won’t happen.

Life. Finds. A. Way.

Editor's note: Four.

Dennis Nedry has joined the call.

[Audio crackling.] Hey everyone. Sorry I’m late. Had some, uh, connectivity issues.

Editor's note: Nedry's screen is suspiciously covered in code that is not related to Jurassic Park systems.

Nedry, we’re discussing the safety audit. Is the security system fully operational?

Oh yeah. Totally operational. One hundred percent. Nothing to worry about. [Muffled sound of typing.] Hey, unrelated question — hypothetically, if someone were to shut down certain security systems for a brief period, how long would it take to reboot everything?

Why are you asking that?

Just… curious. For documentation purposes. Forget I asked.

I want to go on record that the IT person just asked how to shut down security and the room moved on.

Nedry is harmless. He’s just… underpaid.

SIGNIFICANTLY underpaid.

Can I ask one more question? The dinosaurs you’ve created — they’re all female, correct? To prevent breeding?

[Via speakerphone from the lab.] Correct. All dinosaurs are engineered to be female. We control the population. There is no possibility of unauthorized breeding.

Except you used frog DNA to fill the sequence gaps, and several species of frog are known to change sex in single-sex environments. So your ‘all female’ population may not stay all female.

That’s… theoretically possible but extremely unlikely.

Life. Finds. A. Way.

Editor's note: Five.

Well! I think we’ve covered everything. The park is ready. The safety systems are robust. Our team is world-class. I’ve spared no expense.

[Under his breath.] Except on my salary.

For the record, I don’t think this park is safe. The containment is inadequate for the animals you’re housing.

For the record, the safety checklist is one page and lists the dinosaur escape plan as N/A. I do not approve this audit.

For the record, chaos theory predicts this will go catastrophically wrong, life finds a way, and I would like my objections documented.

Editor's note: Six.

For the record, the revenue projections are excellent and I approve the audit.

For the record, the Raptors should be destroyed and everyone in this room should be armed.

That’s six opinions and one approval. The approval wins because it’s from Legal. Meeting adjourned. Please enjoy the tour!

Editor's note: The tour will go very poorly.

Develop contingency plan for complete power failure

Status: Not started — nobody has asked him this question before

Request additional weapons and Raptor containment review

Status: Denied — Hammond says they are the star attraction

Rewrite safety audit checklist (currently one page with N/A answers)

Status: Will write it — nobody will read it

Ensure all security systems are functioning properly and definitely do not disable them for any reason

Status: Nedry has other plans

Investigate whether frog DNA could allow sex-switching in dinosaur population

Status: Theoretically unlikely (narrator: it was not unlikely)

Finalize investor presentation with $1.5B revenue projection

Status: Completed — Gennaro’s priorities are very clear

Stop saying ‘life finds a way’

Status: Will not comply — life finds a way