Et Tu, Podcast?

Caesar discusses the crossing of the Rubicon, the single most famous act of insubordination in history. He explains that the Senate told him to disband his army and return to Rome as a private citizen, and he decided to bring the army instead. He frames this as a "career pivot." He walks through his decision-making process, which took approximately four seconds, and argues that sometimes the best strategy is the one that terrifies everyone around you. He also reveals that the Rubicon was disappointingly shallow — barely knee-deep — and that "crossing the Rubicon" sounds more dramatic than it was.

Guest: Vercingetorix (involuntary guest)

Caesar spent eight years conquering Gaul and wrote a book about it in which he refers to himself in the third person the entire time. In this episode, he reviews Gaul as a travel destination: the scenery (dramatic), the locals (hostile), the weather (terrible), and the food (surprisingly good). He rates each region on a scale of one to ten based on ease of conquest and scenic value. Brittany gets a seven. The Alps get a three. "Beautiful," he says, "but try moving an army through them in winter."

Before Caesar, the Roman calendar was a disaster. Months drifted. Seasons were wrong. Nobody knew what day it was. Caesar fixed it by introducing the Julian calendar with 365.25 days, adding a leap year, and moving New Year's to January. In this episode, he explains the reform with the confidence of a man who believes he fixed time itself. He is annoyed that Pope Gregory later adjusted the calendar and got credit for it. "He moved it by ten days," Caesar says. "I rebuilt the entire system. He did a patch."

Guest: Marcus Brutus (the irony is unbearable)

Caesar discusses trust in leadership, professional relationships, and friendship — all while carefully avoiding the obvious conclusion that the people closest to him are going to stab him. He talks about how he promoted loyal generals, forgave enemies who surrendered, and kept his inner circle close. He mentions Brutus six times, each time calling him "a dear friend and trusted colleague." The dramatic irony is suffocating. His producer keeps looking at the calendar nervously.

This episode was pre-recorded and timestamped for release on March 15th, which Caesar describes as "probably a normal day but I like to plan ahead." He discusses the importance of estate planning, loyalty among colleagues, and the correct way to drape a toga for maximum dignity. He also shares his top three locations in the Senate building where the acoustics are best for speeches. He ends the episode saying he has a meeting on the 15th and "is looking forward to it." The episode has been played 6.2 million times.

Caesar wrote his entire account of the Gallic Wars in the third person. In this episode, Caesar discusses why Caesar chose to write about Caesar as though Caesar were someone else. Caesar argues that the third person creates objectivity, authority, and distance. His producer asks if he can stop doing it during the podcast. Caesar says Caesar will consider it. Caesar does not consider it.

In 75 BC, a young Caesar was captured by pirates in the Mediterranean. They demanded a ransom of 20 talents. Caesar, offended, told them he was worth at least 50. He spent his captivity reciting poetry, ordering the pirates around, and telling them he would return to crucify them all. They thought he was joking. He was not joking. After the ransom was paid, he raised a fleet, captured the pirates, and crucified them. He considers this his first successful management experience.

Caesar addresses the Caesar salad, which was invented in 1924 by an Italian-American restaurateur in Tijuana, Mexico, and has absolutely nothing to do with Julius Caesar. He has never eaten a Caesar salad. He does not understand what romaine lettuce is. He is offended that his name is associated with a dish that contains anchovies. This episode is 90 minutes of escalating frustration about a salad, and it is the third most downloaded episode of the entire podcast.

Guest: Cleopatra VII

Cleopatra appears as a guest to discuss their "political alliance," which is what they are both calling it despite the fact that they have a child together. The episode covers diplomatic strategy, Egyptian-Roman relations, and the logistics of maintaining a long-distance relationship when one partner rules Rome and the other rules Egypt. Neither addresses the personal dimension directly. Both address it indirectly for 94 minutes. The tension is audible.

Caesar discusses the power of brevity in communication. He explains that after defeating King Pharnaces II at the Battle of Zela in five days, he wrote to the Senate: "Veni, vidi, vici." Three words. The entire message. He argues this is the greatest piece of military correspondence ever written and spends the episode analyzing why it works (rhythm, alliteration, confidence) and why modern leaders fail at communication (they use too many words, too many slides, and too many exclamation points).

Guest: Cicero (he disputes his "second place" ranking)

A public speaking masterclass. Caesar was one of Rome's greatest orators, second only to Cicero, which he disputes. He covers posture (always stand), eye contact (always direct), opening lines (always provocative), and closing statements (always brief). He also discusses the importance of venue: the Forum has great acoustics but terrible seating, and the Senate floor is too echoey for anything under a shout. He demonstrates three speeches live and they are, genuinely, excellent.

Caesar discusses how to build a legacy that outlasts you. He covers naming things after yourself (months, calendars, salads you had nothing to do with), writing your own history (so nobody else writes it wrong), and the importance of having a dramatic ending. He pauses at this last point and stares at the wall for twelve seconds. His producer asks if he is okay. He says he is fine. The episode ends abruptly. It is somehow the most unsettling episode of the entire podcast.