The Endor Feast
The Ewoks Ate the Stormtroopers

The Death Star's explosion paints the sky in fading orange. Debris streaks through the atmosphere like dying stars. The forest floor is littered with the wreckage of war. Smoking AT-ST walkers. Shattered speeder bikes. And STORMTROOPERS — hundreds of them — scattered across the battlefield like fallen chess pieces. The camera moves low through the undergrowth. Something is watching. Dozens of small, dark eyes gleam in the firelight. The EWOKS emerge. We follow WICKET, the small Ewok who befriended Princess Leia. But we're not seeing the cute teddy bear from the movie. We're seeing him through DOCUMENTARY LENS — like a nature film. And what we see is a predator surveying a kill field. Wicket sniffs the air. His nostrils flare. He makes a series of rapid clicks and chatters — and SUBTITLES appear: WICKET [subtitled] The sky-fire killed many of the white-shells. Their meat will be fresh. ELDER EWOK LOGRAY approaches, staff in hand. He surveys the carnage with the calm, appraising eye of a butcher examining livestock. LOGRAY [subtitled] How many? WICKET [subtitled] More than we can count. More than the last three hunts combined. A slow smile spreads across Logray's face. He raises his staff and lets out a HOWL — a sound that echoes through the forest. From every direction, answering howls rise. The call to harvest. LOGRAY [subtitled] Signal the village. Tell them to prepare the fire pits. ALL of them. Tonight we feast like our ancestors never dreamed. Wicket chatters excitedly and scampers off into the darkness. Behind him, DOZENS of Ewoks pour from the treeline, moving with terrifying efficiency toward the fallen stormtroopers. Two Ewoks approach a motionless stormtrooper. They rap on his armor experimentally, the way a person might tap a lobster shell. One of them finds the release catches on the chest plate and POP — the armor opens. They chitter approvingly. EWOK WARRIOR [subtitled] Good. This one is large. Lots of meat. They begin dragging the body toward the village. More Ewoks emerge with crude sledges — purpose-built for hauling large game. They've done this before. Many times. The camera pulls back — and we see the SCALE of the operation. Hundreds of Ewoks, working in organized teams, systematically collecting the fallen. It's not looting. It's not burial. It's a harvest.

The Ewok village is TRANSFORMED. What looked like a charming treehouse community is revealed as something far more functional — a processing center. Multiple fire pits blaze on the main platform. Enormous spits have been erected — spits that are far too large for any animal the Ewoks could hunt in these forests. These spits were BUILT for something human-sized. TEEBO, a large Ewok warrior, oversees the operation. He barks orders as teams of Ewoks arrive with their cargo. TEEBO [subtitled] Remove the shells first! The white shells burn and make the meat taste like smoke-poison. Stack them over there — the younglings can play drums with them later. A team of four Ewoks works with practiced skill, popping armor segments off a stormtrooper's body. They're FAST. They've clearly developed a system — chest plate, shoulder guards, thigh plates, boots, helmet. Each piece is tossed onto a growing pile of white armor. The camera PANS to the pile. It's already enormous. Dozens of empty helmets stare up at the canopy with hollow eyes. An ELDERLY FEMALE EWOK — the village's head cook — waddles over to inspect the first prepared carcass. She pokes it, sniffs it, then nods approvingly. HEAD COOK [subtitled] The ones in white shells always taste better than the forest creatures. Something about how they eat. Very clean meat. TEEBO [subtitled] How should we prepare them? HEAD COOK [subtitled] The big ones — slow roast over ember pits. The smaller ones — stew with golden berries and bark spice. And save the bones. Good soup bones. She pauses, then adds: HEAD COOK [subtitled] Oh, and separate the officers. The ones with colored shoulder patches. They eat better food than the regular white-shells. You can taste the difference. She toddles away to supervise the seasoning. Behind her, the fire pits glow brighter as more fuel is added. The camera lingers on a small Ewok child, watching the preparations with wide, excited eyes. An adult Ewok hands the child a small piece of something to chew on — a SNACK before the main feast. The child gnaws happily. We don't see what it is. We don't want to.

Meanwhile, the REBEL ALLIANCE celebrates their victory at a forward base a kilometer from the Ewok village. HAN SOLO, PRINCESS LEIA, CHEWBACCA, LANDO CALRISSIAN, and the droids are gathered around a makeshift command post. Cheering. Hugging. Crying. The Emperor is dead. The Death Star is destroyed. The war is effectively over. LUKE SKYWALKER returns from burning his father's body on a funeral pyre. He's quiet, reflective, but at peace. LEIA (embracing him) It's over, Luke. It's finally over. LUKE (small smile) Not quite. But the hard part is done. HAN (popping open some kind of celebration beverage) Kid, I don't know what happened up there, but you look like you've been through hell and back. LUKE Something like that. An Ewok messenger arrives — WICKET — chittering excitedly and tugging at Leia's hand. C-3PO Oh my! Wicket says the village is preparing a grand celebration feast in our honor. He says it will be — oh dear — the greatest feast in Ewok history. LEIA (smiling) That's so sweet. We should go. They fought alongside us today. HAN (stretching) I could eat. What are they serving? C-3PO He says... roasted meats, stewed meats, smoked meats, dried meats, and something that translates roughly as "victory protein." HAN (grinning) Sounds great. Lead the way, fuzzball. He ruffles Wicket's head. Wicket beams up at him — the same Wicket who, hours earlier, was cataloguing human bodies for butchering. CHEWBACCA growls something low. C-3PO What's that, Chewbacca? You say you'd rather eat rations? But whyever— Chewie growls again, more insistently. He's not going. Something about his posture suggests he knows something the others don't. Wookiees have a powerful sense of smell. HAN Suit yourself, pal. More for us. They follow Wicket into the forest. Chewie watches them go. He whimpers softly. R2-D2 beeps a question. C-3PO No, Artoo, I'm sure everything is fine. The Ewoks are our allies. What could possibly be wrong? R2-D2 beeps again — a long, low, mournful tone. C-3PO What do you mean, "you've run the numbers on available protein sources in this biome"? Really, Artoo, sometimes you're so morbid.

The Rebel heroes arrive at the Ewok village to a SPECTACULAR welcome. Torches blaze everywhere. Ewok musicians play drums — STORMTROOPER HELMET DRUMS — in complex, driving rhythms. Hundreds of Ewoks chant and dance. It looks like the most joyous celebration in the galaxy. But the camera gives us DETAILS that the characters miss: — The drums are clearly Imperial helmets, polished and hollowed out. — Some Ewoks wear pieces of stormtrooper armor as decorative accessories. — The cooking fires are enormous, industrial-scale. — Piles of empty white armor are stacked at the edges of the platform. — And there is SO. MUCH. MEAT. Roasted haunches turn on spits. Stews bubble in clay pots. Skewers of seasoned meat are passed hand to hand. The Ewoks have outdone themselves. LEIA (amazed) This is incredible! They must have been hunting all day. HAN (already eating a skewer) This is actually really good. What is it? WICKET chatters. C-3PO He says it's "tree-walker meat." A local delicacy, apparently. Reserved for special occasions. Han shrugs and keeps eating. Leia takes a polite bite. Luke, still pensive, eats quietly. LANDO arrives, already on his third helping. LANDO (mouth full) Oh man. Whatever this is, it's the best thing I've eaten since Cloud City. Seriously. What animal is this? WICKET [subtitled, not translated by C-3PO] The tall ones with the white shells. WICKET (to C-3PO, in Ewokese) Ee chee wa maa! C-3PO He says it's from a — hmm, I'm not sure about this word — a "tall forest creature." Very rare. LANDO (grabbing another piece) Well, tell your little friends they're master chefs. The celebration continues. More music. More dancing. More eating. The Rebel soldiers mingle with the Ewoks, laughing, sharing drinks. It's beautiful. But SERGEANT COLE MADDOX — a grizzled Rebel infantry soldier — isn't celebrating. He's been on the ground for the entire battle. He fought alongside the Ewoks in the forest. He saw things. He sits apart from the festivities, a plate of untouched meat in his lap, staring at it with growing horror.

PRIVATE JENNY TARASK, a young Rebel medic, finds Maddox sitting alone on a lower platform. The sounds of the celebration filter down from above — music, laughter, the sizzle of cooking fires. TARASK (sitting beside him) Sarge? You okay? You've barely touched your food. MADDOX stares at the piece of meat on his plate. He turns it over with his fork. His hands are shaking. MADDOX (very quiet) Tarask. During the battle. The northwest approach. You were on med detail. TARASK Yeah. Lots of wounded Imperials. Some of them surrendered. MADDOX How many stormtrooper bodies did you see after the battle was over? TARASK (thinking) I don't... I mean, there were a lot during the fight, but after— MADDOX There were NONE, Tarask. By the time the Death Star blew, there wasn't a single Imperial body left on the field. Not one. TARASK The Ewoks probably moved them. Burial customs or— MADDOX (cutting her off) I was on patrol after the battle. I followed the Ewok trails. I found their... processing area. His voice breaks. He sets the plate down. MADDOX There were armor piles, Tarask. Mountains of empty armor. And cutting tools. And — and fire pits the size of landing pads. And the smell. Oh god, the smell was— He stops. Swallows hard. TARASK (going pale) Sarge, you're not saying— MADDOX (looking up at the celebration above) What kind of animal do you think we're eating right now? A long silence. From above, they hear Han Solo's laughter. Someone cheers. An Ewok drum beat — played on a stormtrooper helmet — echoes through the trees. TARASK slowly looks down at the piece of meat she's been carrying. She's already taken two bites. She drops it. TARASK (whispering) Oh no. Oh no no no no no. MADDOX (hollow) I counted the armor piles. Best estimate — they processed somewhere between six hundred and a thousand. In the last four hours. TARASK We have to tell someone. General Solo. Commander Skywalker. MADDOX (bitter laugh) Tell them what? That our cute little allies are feeding us the enemy? That the big victory celebration is a CANNIBAL FEAST? What are they going to do, arrest the teddy bears? He gestures up at the party. MADDOX Solo's on his sixth plate. Calrissian's going back for more. Even the Princess is eating. What am I supposed to say? TARASK covers her mouth. She looks like she's going to be sick. Then she IS sick — leaning over the platform railing and vomiting into the darkness below. From above, an Ewok notices and chatters down at them. C-3PO's voice drifts from the celebration: C-3PO (O.S.) They say the young soldier must have eaten too fast! They recommend the stew — it's easier on the stomach!

Tarask, unable to let it go, sneaks away from the celebration. She follows the smell of smoke and cooking grease down through the tree village to a LOWER LEVEL she's never seen before. It's the Ewok kitchen. And it's enormous. Three massive fire pits dominate the chamber. Ewok cooks work with butcher's efficiency — carving, seasoning, cooking. The amount of meat being processed is staggering. And the ARMOR. It's everywhere. Chest plates stacked like dishes. Helmets in a pile that reaches the ceiling. Boots paired neatly, as if their owners might come back for them. TARASK presses herself against the wall, watching. Her hand covers her nose and mouth. Two Ewok cooks work at a carving station, chattering to each other. SUBTITLES appear: COOK #1 [subtitled] The tall gold one keeps asking for more. Should we give him the officer cuts? COOK #2 [subtitled] Save the officer cuts for Elder Logray. Give the gold one the regular meat. He can't tell the difference anyway. COOK #1 [subtitled] What about the hairy one? The REALLY big one? He won't eat anything. COOK #2 [subtitled] (nervous) Leave that one alone. He KNOWS. I saw him sniffing the air when they arrived. His kind can smell the difference. Don't push it — he's big enough to eat US. Cook #1 nods vigorously. Good point. Tarask has heard enough — she doesn't understand Ewokese, but she doesn't need to. The visual evidence is overwhelming. She backs away, knocking over a small pot. The cooks freeze. Turn. See her. A long, terrible moment of eye contact. Then Cook #1 smiles — a warm, innocent, teddy-bear smile — and holds out a skewer of freshly cooked meat. COOK #1 (in broken Basic) Yub yub! You eat! Good good! Tarask RUNS. She sprints up through the tree village, past celebrating Rebels and dancing Ewoks, past Han Solo doing some kind of arm-wrestling contest with an Ewok, past Leia swaying to the music. She finds LUKE SKYWALKER standing alone at the edge of the platform, looking at the stars. TARASK (out of breath) Commander Skywalker. Commander, I need to tell you something. The feast — the meat — it's not— LUKE (calmly, without turning) I know. TARASK (stunned) You... you KNOW? LUKE (turning to face her — his expression is sad, heavy) I felt it in the Force the moment we arrived. The echoes of the dead. They're... everywhere here. TARASK Then why aren't you DOING something?! LUKE (long pause) Because this is their world. Their culture. It's been this way for thousands of years. And the stormtroopers who died today would have killed every Ewok on this moon without a second thought. TARASK That doesn't make it RIGHT. LUKE (quietly) No. It doesn't. But I just watched my father die after spending twenty years as the galaxy's greatest monster, and in the end I found good in him. The universe isn't clean, Private. It never has been. He looks back at the celebration. Han is laughing. Leia is dancing. The Ewoks are drumming on the helmets of the dead. LUKE I'm not going to eat. And I'm not going to judge them. And tomorrow, we're leaving this moon, and we're never going to talk about this again. He turns to Tarask. LUKE That's an order. Tarask stares at him. Then at the celebration. Then at her own hands — which still smell like the meat she ate. She says nothing. She walks away into the darkness.

Morning breaks over the forest moon. The sky is ash-blue, peaceful. Birds sing. Or whatever passes for birds on Endor. The celebration has wound down. Rebels and Ewoks lie sleeping on platforms throughout the village — the aftermath of a party for the ages. HAN SOLO wakes with a groan, his head pounding. He's slumped against a tree trunk. Leia is curled up next to him, still sleeping. HAN (to himself) What a night. What a beautiful, beautiful night. He stretches. Yawns. Looks around the village with satisfaction. Then his eyes settle on something. The BONE PIT. Below the main platform, in a natural depression between the tree roots, is a pile of bones. Large bones. Femurs, ribcages, skulls. All stripped clean. All recently discarded. And they are not animal bones. Even Han Solo, who has traveled the galaxy and seen everything, can recognize a human skeleton. His smile fades. Slowly. Like a sunset going in reverse. HAN (staring) What... He stands. Walks to the edge of the platform. Looks down at the bone pit. The bones are NUMEROUS — hundreds of them, freshly stripped, tossed casually into the pile like chicken wings at a sports bar. Next to the bone pit: a mountain of empty stormtrooper armor. Han's brain makes the connection. It takes about three seconds. Three seconds where his entire expression changes — from confused, to disbelieving, to horrified, to nauseated. HAN (whispering) Oh no. He looks at his own hands. There's grease under his fingernails from the feast. He ate A LOT last night. He went back for SECONDS. And THIRDS. HAN (louder, to himself) Oh NO. He backs away from the edge. Bumps into CHEWBACCA, who is wide awake and has clearly been watching Han's reaction. Chewie lets out a low, rumbling growl. HAN You KNEW. CHEWBACCA growls an affirmative. HAN You knew and you didn't TELL me?! CHEWBACCA barks — sharp, defensive. C-3PO (waking up nearby) Oh! Good morning, General Solo. Chewbacca says he tried to warn you, but you called him a "paranoid walking carpet" and told him to, quote, "loosen up for once." HAN (sitting down hard) I ate... how many plates did I have? C-3PO I believe it was seven, sir. Han puts his head between his knees. HAN (muffled) Seven plates. LEIA (waking up, groggy) What's wrong? HAN NOTHING. Nothing is wrong. We're leaving. We're leaving right now. Get the shuttle prepped. LEIA Han, we can't just leave. The Ewoks are our friends. They— HAN (standing, manic) Leia. Sweetheart. Love of my life. We. Are. Leaving. NOW. Something in his voice stops her questions. She looks at him — really looks at him. Han Solo, who's faced bounty hunters and Sith Lords and asteroid fields without flinching, looks like he's about to cry. LEIA (softly) Han? What happened? HAN (cracking) Promise me something. Don't look over the edge of the platform. Don't look at the bone pile. And for the love of everything in this galaxy — don't ask what we ate last night. A long beat. Leia is smart. Smarter than Han, smarter than most people. It takes her about two seconds. Her hand goes to her mouth. LEIA (barely audible) Oh my god. HAN Yeah. LEIA I had the stew. HAN I had seven plates of the skewers. They stare at each other. The horror is absolute.

The Rebel team prepares to depart. The mood is... strange. Forced smiles. Pale faces. Nobody is eating breakfast. LANDO approaches, chipper as ever, holding a wrapped bundle. LANDO (beaming) Great news! The Ewoks gave me a doggie bag. Leftovers from last night. This stuff is incredible — I'm going to eat it all the way back to the fleet. Every Rebel within earshot goes very still. HAN (grabbing the bundle and throwing it off the platform) Lando. No. LANDO What the — Solo, that was my LUNCH! HAN Trust me. LANDO What is WRONG with you? You were raving about how good it was last night! You said, and I quote, "this is the best thing I've eaten since that Corellian steakhouse on—" HAN (through gritted teeth) I. Was. Wrong. Lando stares at him, baffled. He looks to Leia for explanation. Leia looks away. He looks to Luke. Luke shakes his head almost imperceptibly. LANDO (suspicious now) What aren't you people telling me? Nobody answers. The silence is answer enough. Lando's smile falters. He's a gambler. He reads faces for a living. He looks at the empty armor piles. The bone pit below. The absolutely enormous cooking fires, now smoldering. The hollow stormtrooper helmet drums. He does the math. LANDO (color draining from his face) No. HAN Yeah. LANDO (touching his stomach) I had TWELVE PLATES, Solo. TWELVE. HAN I had seven. LANDO (sitting down on a log, devastated) Twelve plates. Twelve plates of— HAN Don't say it. If nobody says it out loud, we can all pretend it didn't happen. WICKET scampers over, delighted, carrying a wrapped package of leftover meat. He chatters happily and shoves it into Leia's hands. C-3PO Oh how generous! Wicket says this is a gift for your journey. He says it's the finest cuts, reserved for honored— LEIA (handing it back with a frozen smile) Tell Wicket we're very grateful, but our ship has... dietary protocols. For hygiene. Very strict. C-3PO (translating) Wicket's face falls. He looks hurt. The most adorable, sad little teddy bear face in the galaxy. Leia almost breaks. She kneels down and hugs Wicket tightly. LEIA (whispering to herself) You're a good friend, Wicket. You're a good friend who did a horrible, horrible thing, and I'm never going to talk about this ever. Wicket hugs her back, chittering happily. CHEWBACCA watches the whole scene. He growls once — long, low, with a note of "I told you so" that transcends language barriers. R2-D2 rolls up and beeps. C-3PO Artoo says — oh my — Artoo says he recorded the entire feast in his memory banks, including a "spectral analysis of the protein content" that conclusively identifies— HAN (panicked) WIPE IT! C-3PO Sir? HAN Wipe his memory! That specific file! RIGHT NOW! R2-D2 beeps indignantly. C-3PO Artoo says he's keeping it as "leverage." Han stares at R2-D2. The little droid's dome swivels. If a droid could smirk, R2-D2 would be smirking. HAN (to Chewie) The droid is blackmailing me. The DROID. Is BLACKMAILING. Me. CHEWBACCA lets out a laugh — a genuine, deep Wookiee belly laugh. The first real laugh of the morning.

The Rebel shuttle powers up. The heroes board in silence. LUKE is the last to leave. He stands at the base of the ramp, looking back at the Ewok village. Wicket and a group of Ewoks have gathered to wave goodbye. The Ewoks chant something — a farewell song. It's beautiful, haunting, and sung with genuine affection. These creatures truly believe they honored the Rebels with the greatest feast they could offer. In their culture, consuming the fallen enemy is the highest form of respect — taking their strength into yourself. It is sacred. Ancient. And utterly sincere. Luke watches them. The Force flows through the moment — he can feel their love, their gratitude, their pride. They are not evil. They are not monsters. They are a people with traditions older than the Republic, doing what they have always done. LUKE (to himself) The Force has a sense of humor. A really, really dark sense of humor. SERGEANT MADDOX appears beside him. The two soldiers who know the truth stand together. MADDOX Are we really never going to tell anyone, sir? LUKE The war is over, Sergeant. The Alliance is about to become a government. We need the narrative to be clean — brave Rebels, plucky allies, evil Empire defeated. The galaxy needs heroes right now. Not a scandal about what happened to the bodies. MADDOX And the Ewoks? LUKE Will keep living the way they've lived for ten thousand years. We were guests in their home. They gave us their best. A pause. MADDOX (haunted) I know, sir. That's the worst part. Luke boards the shuttle. The ramp closes. EXT. SPACE — CONTINUOUS The shuttle rises through the atmosphere. The forest moon of Endor shrinks below — beautiful, green, peaceful. FINAL SHOT — EWOK VILLAGE: The Ewoks wave until the shuttle disappears. Then they turn back to the village. There's cleaning to do. Bones to bury. And — the camera reveals — THREE MORE captured stormtroopers, alive, bound to poles at the edge of the village. An Ewok elder approaches them. Sniffs. Nods approvingly. ELDER [subtitled] These ones are still fresh. Save them for the winter feast. The stormtroopers scream behind their gags. The Ewok celebration song continues playing — cheerful, innocent, utterly terrifying in context. SMASH CUT TO BLACK. TITLE CARD: "YUB NUB" The original Ewok celebration song from Return of the Jedi plays over the credits — but now, knowing the translation implications, every "yub nub" sounds different. Every drumbeat on a stormtrooper helmet hits different. SUBTITLE OVER BLACK: "In the special edition, George Lucas replaced 'Yub Nub' with a more somber celebration theme. Some fans believe this was because he realized the original song — when translated — described a recipe." FADE OUT.