#home-security

Everyone pack your bags! Paris flight is at 8 AM tomorrow. 15 family members, 11 suitcases, 4 carry-ons. Pizza is ordered for tonight. DO NOT FORGET ANYTHING.

Kevin is being annoying again. He spilled milk everywhere. Classic Kevin.

WE OVERSLEPT. EVERYONE IN THE VANS. NOW. GO GO GO.

We made the flight. Everyone accounted for. Wait. Let me count again.

I'm sure he's fine. He's very resourceful for an 8-year-old.

Just watched "Angels with Filthy Souls" on TV. Taking notes on perimeter defense and hostile negotiation tactics. Key quote: "Keep the change, ya filthy animal."

Went to the grocery store. Bought a frozen dinner, fabric softener, orange juice, and military-grade supplies (Christmas ornaments, paint cans, blowtorch, rope, Micro Machines, tar, feathers, a BB gun). The cashier did not question any of this.

Marv, the McCallisters are gone. All of them. I cased the house dressed as a cop. Nobody home. We hit it tonight. 9 PM.

Sounds good, Harry. Should we leave the water running like usual? I love the Wet Bandits brand. It's our calling card.

Yes Marv, we leave the water running. It's our SIGNATURE. Every great criminal has a signature.

We're here. House is dark. Going in through the front door. This should take 5 minutes.

The doorknob is red hot. THE DOORKNOB IS RED HOT. MY HAND. MY HAND IS ON FIRE. WHO HEATS A DOORKNOB???

I'll go through the basement. Can't be worse than a hot doorknob.

I just stepped on a nail. A NAIL. It went through my shoe. Through my FOOT. There is a NAIL in my FOOT. Who puts a nail on the stairs???

Trap 1 and 2 deployed successfully. Targets are in the building. Proceeding to Phase 3.

I got in through the back. There are tiny cars all over the floor. I'm slipping. I can't stand up. Why are there TINY CARS on the—

AN IRON JUST HIT ME IN THE FACE. A CLOTHES IRON. ON A STRING. FROM THE CEILING. AN 8-YEAR-OLD RIGGED AN IRON ON A STRING.

I'm going up the stairs. There are Christmas ornaments on every step. My feet are destroyed. This child is a PSYCHOPATH.

MY HEAD IS ON FIRE. THE KID SET MY HEAD ON FIRE WITH A BLOWTORCH. MY HEAD IS LITERALLY ON FIRE.

I put my head in the snow. It's out. This kid is going to JAIL when I catch him.

PAINT CANS. THERE ARE PAINT CANS SWINGING FROM THE CEILING ON ROPES. ONE JUST HIT ME IN THE FACE. NOW ANOTHER ONE. THEY KEEP COMING BACK. PHYSICS IS NOT MY FRIEND.

there's a tarantula on my face. there is a tarantula. on my face. i am going to die.

Marv just screamed so loud I heard it from outside. I'm going back in. We are NOT being outsmarted by a CHILD.

Both targets fully engaged with trap system. Morale appears low. Deploying BB gun as crowd control. This is my house. I have to defend it.

The kid just shot me in the forehead with a BB gun through the pet door. I'm done. I'm going to find this kid and I'm going to

Harry? Harry what happened? Did the kid get you too?

I slipped on ice. The entire sidewalk is covered in ice. He iced the sidewalk. I can see him in the window. He's WAVING at me.

Targets have breached the perimeter. Activating escape protocol. Heading to treehouse via zipline. Calling in backup.

Backup has arrived. Old Man Marley from next door. He has a snow shovel. He is not messing around.

AN OLD MAN JUST HIT ME WITH A SNOW SHOVEL. I'm going down. Tell my story, Marv.

He got me too. I can see stars. Not Christmas stars. Concussion stars.

DISPATCH: Two suspects apprehended at 671 Lincoln Blvd. Charges: Breaking and entering, attempted burglary, destruction of property. Suspects are covered in paint, tar, feathers, and appear to have significant burn injuries. One suspect has a tarantula in his pocket.

I'M HOME. KEVIN! KEVIN WHERE ARE YOU? I FLEW BACK FROM PARIS. I TOOK 3 CONNECTING FLIGHTS. I RODE IN A TRUCK WITH A POLKA BAND.

Hi Mom. I'm here. I did the grocery shopping. I did the laundry. I defended the house from two professional burglars using a series of improvised booby traps. The house is mostly intact. Merry Christmas.

Also, Buzz — your tarantula is fine.

KEVIN WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM