Full Script
The Christmas Letters
As the lights come up, on one side of the stage there is a living room with MAX (72) snoozing away in his La-Z-Boy. A few seconds after the lights come up, LEIGH (68) slips through the door and peers into MAX's face. She runs her hand over his mouth to see if he is sleeping and doesn't notice his eyes pop open. Instead she scurries around and every time she looks at him he closes his eyes and pretends to be asleep. This goes on for 30 seconds. Finally MAX can't stand it.
MAX
Jesus Leigh, can you just leave me alone? I'm trying to sleep here!
LEIGH
So you ARE awake! Max! You won't believe what I just found. I can't wait to show you!
MAX(groans)
It's not another cat, is it?
LEIGH
Oh goodness no! The last one only lasted a week before it escaped.
MAX
Good! I always hated cats.
LEIGH
You are so silly, Max. That's why I love you.
MAX
Is that the reason? I've been trying to figure that out. (pause) You know when I go up to heaven and St. Pete asks me what I did that was right, I won't know what to say because you won't be there to "correct me."
LEIGH(laughs)
There you go again! (Pauses) Well, don't you want to know what I found?
MAX
I have a feeling you are going to tell me, anyway.
LEIGH
Remember all those Christmas letters you wrote when we started dating and when the kids were still home?
MAX
You mean the ones I wrote that were hilarious but you always hated them because they were not exactly, down to the letter, true?
LEIGH(claps her hands)
YES!
MAX
You mean the ones we sent to our friends and neighbors and your college buddies?
LEIGH(claps her hands again)
YES!
MAX
You mean the ones we argued about from the end of September through December and cost us over $400 a year just to mail out? You mean THOSE Christmas letters?
LEIGH(turns to audience, gleefully)
YES!
MAX
Nope, I don't remember.
LEIGH's face falls in confused disappointment. Two second count.
LEIGH
Well, I found them and I thought it would be fun to read through some of them.
MAX(sarcastically)
Yeah… that sounds like a boat load of fun.
LEIGH
Oh come on, people loved our letters. And as I read through them, it is like reading our life history. They talk about how we met, why you started sending them out instead of regular cards…
MAX
Oh yeah, it all had to do with that life insurance guy. What a bastard he was.
LEIGH
Well, his wife was a friend of mine, so I was trying to be nice… and these old letters talk about when we had our kids and all kinds of things.
MAX
Leigh… that stuff is BORING. I mean, if you wrote a play about them, who in their right mind would come and see it? Nobody! That's who.
LEIGH
I think you would be surprised. The stories are really funny and people like to laugh. Plus, I think what we went through was pretty normal. And people laugh at normal.
MAX(longer pause)
I suppose. And we are about as boring as watching paint dry, so I guess that makes us normal.
LEIGH
Boring? I don't think our life was boring at all. You were always able to find humor in situations. The things you wrote were hilarious.
MAX
And then you changed them all around to make them true. What fun is there in that?
LEIGH
Well, whatever. I would like to read the story about how we met.
MAX
That old story? No one cares about it. Come to think about it, it was probably the biggest mistake of your life. Besides, you wrote that one, not me.
LEIGH
It was in a letter I wrote to my mom, silly. Just listen to it.
LEIGH looks excited, pulls a piece of paper and starts reading while MAX pulls a pillow over his head. LEIGH turns to the audience and starts reading.
LEIGH
Dear Mom. I will see you in a few days for Christmas, but I have exciting news! I think I met the boy of my dreams! I was at a party with Heidi and in walks this tall guy. His name is Max and, well, he is very tall and the sparks are flying. I will tell………
Stage left lights go off. Stage right lights come on to a room where HEIDI (25, in a party dress) is making snacks. There is a door that leads backstage and it is noisy backstage. A real party. YOUNG LEIGH (YL) comes rushing through the door.
YL
Heidi! Heidi! It's happening I can't believe it's happening!
HEIDI
Leigh! What's happening?
HEIDI
You met… who exactly?
YL
Him! I met HIM! And he's sooo tall!
HEIDI(pauses and thinks)
You mean Max? The guy from next door?
YL
Yes! OMG Yes! I was just talking about how much fun it is to go grocery shopping and he said "Well, if you like grocery shopping, just wait til you buy gas!" and it's him! Heidi! I know it's him! He's soooo tall.
HEIDI(not believing)
LEIGH, slow down. This is Max?
HEIDI
From across the hall?
HEIDI
The guy who wears disco clothes to go to work? That Max?
HEIDI
The guy who loses his keys and has to break into his own apartment once a month?
HEIDI(disapproving)
The guy with a college degree but works for minimum wage? That Max?
Three count pause. LEIGH brightens and is instantly excited.
YL
But Heidi! He's so tall!
HEIDI
Leigh, as your best friend… Listen to me! Max is a rube. He doesn't have money. He burns water when he cooks. He plays Old Beatles Music all night long.
While HEIDI lists all the negatives, YL looks more and more downcast.
HEIDI
Tall! I get it. He's tall. He hasn't shaved in 3 weeks, and his place smells like a sewer. Leigh, are you nuts? Snap out of it!!
YL is not paying attention. She is peeking in the door where Max is. YL is swooning. HEIDI grabs her and pulls her back to center stage.
HEIDI
Leigh! He's a rube! Get it? A rube! He has no money. He wears disco pants! Leigh!
YL
But he's so tall. And he doesn't smoke. And he has lots of friends. And his family is close. Heidi, I love you, but…
YL frees herself and heads toward the back door where she peeks in and then looks back at HEIDI.
YL(now fully turned on)
Oh my God, Heidi, he's just so tall!
YL walks through the door while HEIDI looks on, incredulous. YL leans back through the doorway and waves ta-ta with her fingers. Lights go off.
Stage left lights come up with MAX again sitting in his easy chair, snoring. LEIGH comes in, checks to make sure he is breathing, then goes around making noises until MAX wakes up.
MAX
Geez, what is it this time?
MAX
Who else would it be. I was just sitting here thinking all my important thoughts and Boom, there you are.
LEIGH
I just want to talk to my husband!
MAX
Well, I'm here now! Talk away!!
LEIGH
Well, I'm going to read you another Christmas letter. I told our daughter we were reading them, she said her favorite one was about our dog peeing on the carpet. She said it was your best.
MAX(laughs)
That was our very first one and we had just gotten that braggy letter from that insurance guy, telling us about his perfect life and his perfect daughter and his perfect condo in Tahoe and his new Mercedes.
LEIGH
Yep, that's the one.
MAX
I remember that as I was reading it our 3-legged dog was peeing in the corner of the dining room, right after I had taken her out. His life was so perfect, and my dog was peeing on the carpet. That pissed me off.
LEIGH
That was our first letter and 40 years later we were still doing it.
MAX
Gosh, I hated that guy.
Lights go black. Stage right lights come on. Young MAX (YM) is sitting across the kitchen table from ALLEN. They are glaring at each other. There is obvious conflict.
YM
So, let me get this straight. You want me to buy whole life insurance.
ALLEN
That's right. Whole Life Premium Deferred Annuities.
YM
Can you explain what "Whole Life Premium Deferred Annuities" are?
ALLEN
Because only smart people can understand it.
YM
So you don't think I'm smart enough to understand it.
ALLEN
If the shoe fits. (pause) Listen, are you going to buy or not. I have things to do.
YM
Well go ahead and leave cause I'm not buying.
ALLEN
Yes you are. Cause I'm not leaving.
ALLEN
That's right. Not until you buy something.
YL enters from the rear door.
YL
Hey Allen. Good to see you. Are you boys getting along?
YM and ALLEN glare at each other while YL gives them cookies but notices the tension.
YM
So Mr. Insurance guy over there just implied that I am stupid because I don't know what whole life premium deferred annuities are.
YL(turns to ALLEN)
Well, Allen, do you?
ALLEN
Of course not! No one knows what whole life premium deferred annuity means. Be real!
YL(turns to MAX)
See, was that so hard? No one knows what it is. But my friend tells me we should buy them.
YM(turns to YL as if to strangle her but stops)
Leigh, you do realize that if we buy a life policy we are betting we are going to die before we turn 65. And Allen over here is betting we won't. Don't you get it, we only win if I DIE?
ALLEN
Well, not if you buy whole life, you see…
YM stops ALLEN with a stare.
YM
I want you to leave… NOW.
ALLEN
Not gonna happen. Do you realize that unless I sell something that I have wasted my entire evening for nothing. No sir, I'm not leaving until you buy something.
YM
But you've already been here for three hours. You have called me stupid, and now you tell me that whole life premium preferred annuity is… is… is I don't know what it is.
ALLEN
See, now you are getting it. Just sign here and I'll leave. I promise.
YL(after a thoughtful pause)
That does kind of make sense, Max.
YM
Arrrggghhhh… Just give me the damn paper.
ALLEN
Wonderful! Sign here and here. And, oh yeah I need a check for $1,000.
LEIGH scribbles a check and hands it to ALLEN while YM suppresses his rage. ALLEN gets up with a wry smile.
ALLEN
Oh yeah, your dog is peeing on the carpet over there.
Stage left lights come up. MAX is sitting in his La-Z-Boy, snoring away. LEIGH makes more and more obnoxious noises. He finally awakens.
LEIGH
Good morning dear! It's another beautiful day!!
MAX
Whatever you say, sweety! But it is raining cats and dogs outside.
LEIGH
Yeah, I know. But I have a great thing to do!
MAX
Uh oh. You didn't sign up for another insurance guy, did you?
LEIGH
You are so funny! As a matter of fact, I brought another Christmas letter you might find funny. It was the one we wrote when we first had Rick and our lives changed forever. You made that funny chart that showed how our days had changed from partying on weekends to feeding Rick or changing his diaper 24 hours a day.
MAX(laughs a little)
Well that was how it was. We went from thinking about ski vacations with friends to trying to do one simple thing. Keep Rick from crying.
LEIGH
It wasn't that simple, was it. Seems like we were either sleeping, feeding him, or changing his diaper.
MAX
There was always one other thing that we talked about.
MAX
It was something that happened every week. Don't you remember?
MAX
Well, let me give you a hint. After we gave up using cloth diapers because, well because, where did we throw the disposable diaper?
LEIGH(thinks for a moment, then brightens)
In… the… Garbage.
Stage left lights go out. Stage right lights come up. It is a bedroom scene with a double bed where YL and YM are sleeping. YL wakes up in a panic and starts pounding on YM.
YM
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
YL
Wake up! Wake up! Don't you hear it?
YM
Hear what? It's 6 in the morning!
YM(looks incredulously at YL, pauses)
No!
YL(starts pounding on YM with a pillow)
It's the garbage truck! It's the garbage truck!
YL(looks menacingly at YM)
Be honest! Did you put the garbage out last night? Did you? And don't you dare lie!
YL(hitting YM with pillow again)
You didn't! You didn't! You didn't! You lied to me!
YL(stops mid-pillow fight, gets wild eyed, looks at audience)
We… must… take… out… the garbage. We… MUST… take… out… the… GARBAGE… NOW.
YM(pleading)
But we were only here two days this week. The can is empty!
YL(pauses to listen)
Can't you hear that? Can't you hear the garbage truck? Oh My God.
YL finds YM's pants and throws them at him.
YL
Get out there and do your job!
YL
Don't you But Leigh me. It's YOUR job to take out the garbage! Now get out there and DO YOUR JOB!!
YM puts on pants and goes running out the door. YL looks at audience with a satisfied smile.
Stage left lights up. MAX is thumbing through a letter on his own as he sits in his chair. Stifling a giggle here or there, he seems wary of making sure LEIGH doesn't see him reading them. LEIGH comes blustering in and MAX hurriedly hides the letter. LEIGH sees him hiding something and stops in front of him.
LEIGH(holds out her hand)
Come on, hand it over.
LEIGH
Whatever you are reading. Come on, hand it over. Oh My Gosh, is it porn?
LEIGH(starts breaking down)
Oh my gosh, Max. It is porn, isn't it? Max… why would you need porn. Aren't I enough?
MAX(looks aghast)
Leigh! It's not porn!
LEIGH(out of control)
I have tried to be a good wife! I really have! I try to get interested in sports, I have tried to play golf, I have tried to like some of your weird friends, I have even tried some of those weird things you saw on the INTERNET. None of that worked? You are using porn????
LEIGH(stops wailing)
It isn't?
MAX
No! Thirty years ago, maybe, well… probably… but not now!
LEIGH
Then what are you reading? Show it to me!
MAX(sheepishly pulls out the letters)
It's the Christmas letters. See, I'm reading our old Christmas letters.
He tosses them at LEIGH. She looks through them.
MAX
Because they are actually funny. And the ones we wrote when the kids were little are actually hilarious. (Pause) You thought I was reading porn? That's crazy!!
LEIGH
That's so sweet! But why are you hiding them?
MAX
Well, there are things a man just doesn't want his wife to know.
LEIGH
But you are reading about our life together. That is so sweet!
MAX
Of course. Why would I want to read about anything else?
LEIGH
That's why I love you!
MAX
That's why I love you too, sweety!
MAX turns to make sure she is gone, reaches under his blanket and pulls out a huge book, clearly entitled "Debby Does Dallas."
MAX
Finally, back to business.
Starts leafing through book. Stage left lights go out.
Stage right lights come up. YM is fast asleep in bed.
No response. God tries again.
VOICE OF GOD
MAX Williams!
VOICE OF GOD
Hey! Max! Breakfast is ready!
YM(wakes up instantly)
Who? What? Where?
VOICE OF GOD
Max… This is God.
YM looks confused and then lays back down.
VOICE OF GOD
Wake up! This is GOD.
YM
Really? And I'm John Lennon.
VOICE OF GOD
You are NOT John Lennon. He is sitting beside me. (Pause) I am really God. You know… Yahweh… Mr. Omnipotent, Mr. 3-in-one? (pause) Dammit Max, I'm GOD!!
YM
Really? God? Hmmm. (pause) Well, gee, OK Mr. God. What do you want? And don't make it too weird, ok?
VOICE OF GOD
Too weird? Geez, just because I made Noah build an ark and fill it with animals? Or maybe because I let Jonah get eaten by a fish? Or when I made Moses walk up a mountain and come down with the 11 Commandments. Everybody thinks I'm going to make them do something weird!
YM
Wait a second! Eleven Commandments?
VOICE OF GOD
Well, yeah. You know how men are though. Moses forgot one. But I promise, this one is easy.
YM(doubtful)
Well OK, Mr. God. What do you want?
VOICE OF GOD
Max. I need to tell you something. Something important.
YM(still not sure)
Well, OK. Should I take notes?
VOICE OF GOD(slightly angry)
Just listen up, OK?
VOICE OF GOD
You are doing fine.
VOICE OF GOD
Max, I said you are doing fine.
YM
Alright, is this some kind of joke?
YM
You came all the way here, AND brought John Lennon along, just to tell me I'm doing fine?
VOICE OF GOD
Because it looked like you needed to hear it.
VOICE OF GOD
Yes really. Maybe more than most.
VOICE OF GOD
Silly human. I talk to everyone. But some people never listen. Where do you think "Strawberry Fields Forever" came from. Or John's best song "Imagine." Even "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" — John actually listened to me. (pause) Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones, not so much.
YM(laughs)
Hey, you really are God.
VOICE OF GOD
The Big Guy. That's me.
YM
Then do you mind if I ask you a few questions about what happened last year?
A gunshot goes off. VOICE OF GOD laughs.
VOICE OF GOD
Fire away! Get it? That's a little God humor.
YM
OK, here goes. You know I have three kids.
VOICE OF GOD
You're welcome.
VOICE OF GOD
Do you have any idea how hard it is to create life? You should try it sometime.
YM
I think I had a hand in it, didn't I?
VOICE OF GOD
Well, that wasn't your hand, but OK.
YM
Ahh, you are a bit of a jokester, aren't you.
VOICE OF GOD
You bet I am. For example, I could have made asparagus taste like ice cream, but I didn't. I could have made doughnuts healthy, but I didn't. I was in a foul mood when I did some of that stuff.
YM
Well… thanks, I guess. But you really should have made doughnuts healthy. I mean, come on!
VOICE OF GOD(small laugh)
Well, My Bad. (pause) So, you have questions? I only have a few minutes. I've got a lot going on.
YM
Well, first there is my son, named Rick, and he turned 16 this year and promptly had an accident in my car and…
VOICE OF GOD(interrupts)
He'll be fine. Next?
YM
Then there is Martha. She thinks she is the queen and has this high shrill voice that…
VOICE OF GOD(interrupts)
She'll be fine… Next?
YM
Then Anya, she is 10 and she doesn't have a lot of friends and she kind of gets lost in the shuffle, I think.
VOICE OF GOD
Let's just say, you have a surprise coming.
YM
A surprise? A good surprise or a bad surprise?
VOICE OF GOD
Can't tell you. It's a secret.
YM
A secret? God has secrets?
VOICE OF GOD(pause)
Oh My, just look at the time! I got to go. Sorry.
VOICE OF GOD
It's a secret, Max. You will just have to trust me. You know… like in "In God We Trust."
YM
You came up with that one too?
VOICE OF GOD
Of course… But I really got to go. See ya!
Intermission
— Intermission —
Music: “Happy Christmas (War Is Over)” by John Lennon
MAX
Hey Leigh! I want to read you something! I just wrote an open letter to John Lennon.
LEIGH(looks quizzical)
Really? But isn't he dead?
MAX
Of course he is. But he was a visionary and one of his songs is about Christmas so I just felt compelled to write him a letter.
Dear John: You asked the question. So I guess I should answer. And yes, it is Christmas. And what have I done?
The answer, to be honest, is not much. Not much compared to you, anyway.
You were an icon. A source of truth. A visionary with the ability to communicate. You were 40 when we killed you John, just like we killed Jesus, and Abraham and Martin. Yet your ideas live on. You taught us much. You helped the world to change, mostly for the better.
But you asked, what have I done?
I guess raising three kids? Is that enough? I guess I tried to be a nice guy? I donated money and volunteered my time? Is that enough?
John, you were torn to bits by the unbelievable expectations of fame. Being treated as if you were a god just did not fit into your soul space. You were just John Lennon, basically an orphan from Liverpool. And yet, you became John Lennon.
I am also torn to bits by expectations of myself and others. I was not trained to be a husband, nor was I trained to be a father. I, like you, just kind of played along. Tried to do the best I could. Tried not to hurt anyone. Same as you.
Still, it is Christmas and what have I done? And is what I have done enough? Does any of it matter? Will I ever know?
YL, YM, and ANYA are hurriedly preparing for a trip to Seattle. Several sets of luggage are in plain sight. YL's is open and she is trying to cram boots into a piece of luggage where they obviously will not fit.
YL
Ooomph… ahhhh… Why won't this fit?
ANYA
Mom, why are you so cheap? We can pay a few dollars and do two pieces of luggage.
YL
Anya, are you really a Bradford? We don't spend a nickel on anything ever.
ANYA(rolls her eyes)
I know. But how many pieces of luggage have we broken?
ANYA's cell phone goes off and she hurries off stage to answer it. YM and YL look at each other and smile.
YM
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
YL
She sure has been on her cell a lot!
YM(giddily)
I think she's got a boyfriend!
YL
Me too. She has been texting and smiling and whispering a lot! It must be love!!!
YM
I hope it's that kid from Butler! I heard he is a pharmacist!!!
YL
Woo hoo! This is so exciting!
ANYA re-enters room and notices YM and YL looking at her with expectation. She looks at them quizzically and tries to go back to packing but YM and YL follow her closely. Every time she turns around, her parents are right there.
YM
The guy on the phone? Who is he?
ANYA(suddenly distressed)
Ummm, nobody.
YM
It must be somebody! We have never seen you light up like a Christmas tree before!
YL
Yeah, we have never seen you so happy, dear.
ANYA
I'm telling you it's nobody.
YM
And we are telling you it must be somebody! And we are dying to know who!
YL
Yeah! We are dying to know. You have been texting every two minutes since you got home. Please please please tell us who it is! We are so excited.
ANYA(now very defensive)
I'm telling you, it's nobody and this is why I never come home from college… All these questions!
YM
But ANYA we are your parents. We just want to know who the guy is!
ANYA
And what if I told you it's not a guy?
YM
Then I would say, you are gay!
Stage goes black. Scene change on the run: Three stools are set up with MAX, ANYA, and LEIGH sitting left to right. Lights come up.
ANYA
And that, folks, is pretty much how it happened.
LEIGH
Yes, and to say we were surprised is an understatement. We had no idea.
ANYA
I did not really know how else to do it. It had been my secret ever since I was seven.
MAX
We knew you had lots of secrets, but that was a whopper.
ANYA(smiles)
My friends all knew. Believe me, it was hard.
LEIGH
And I apologize for not accepting it right away.
MAX
And I apologize for suggesting you go to a psychiatrist.
ANYA
Yeah, it was rough for a while. The fact that my first girlfriend was a walking time bomb who tried to keep me away from you guys did not help.
MAX
I did not know what to do. Heck I did not know anything about having a gay daughter.
LEIGH
I loved you anyway. But it was kind of like discovering a whole new person. Because you knew for 17 years who you really were and we had this idea you were someone else. Then, suddenly, all those expectations were blown up. It just took us some time.
ANYA(reaches over to touch LEIGH reassuringly)
It's OK Mom. I had a big head start.
MAX
You sure did. And then you got married and built a home with your wife.
ANYA(laughs softly)
Yeah, and then that one ended with a divorce.
ANYA
It almost killed me, mom. And it still hurts some.
MAX
But you have made it this far and if there is any silver lining to it, it is that you are now becoming your real self. You first, by yourself.
ANYA
I'm getting there. Still working on how to deal with you two, though.
LEIGH
But, we are family and we do what families do when they are lucky enough to love each other.
MAX
Because we do love you, Anya.
ANYA
And I love you guys too. It doesn't mean I have to like you all the time. But I know you are there for me when I need you.
LEIGH(takes ANYA's hand)
Just as you are now there for us when we need you, too.
MAX(takes ANYA's other hand)
Because that's what families do. We have learned so much, and there is so much more to learn.
Two stools are placed at the front of the stage. MAX enters stage left and YM enters stage right. At first they check their cell phones and ignore each other. Finally YM breaks the silence.
YM
So, umm, my name is Max. What's yours?
MAX
That's funny. My name is Max as well.
Both go back to looking at their phones.
MAX
If I may ask, what is your last name? Let me guess. Hmm… Williams. Max Williams.
MAX
Well, it wasn't a lucky guess, that's for sure.
YM
How do you know that? Can you read minds?
MAX
Only my own… and yours.
YM
Well… how… Wait! Am I having a dream?
YM
Then what? And why is your name the same as mine?
MAX
MAX? Look to your left… See all those people?
YM(surprised)
Yeah, what are they doing here?
Gets up and looks over the crowd.
MAX
Because you are in a play. You know, like "Death of a Salesman" or "Our Town." We couldn't afford to make it a musical, so here we are.
YM(staring at the audience)
Geez, a real play? With a script and everything?
MAX(pulls out script)
Yep, got it right here.
YM
Holy shit!! Look at them all. What are they doing here?
MAX
Don't ask me. I have no idea.
MAX
Well, we have a few more scenes to go, but in this scene, you are supposed to be surprised to see the future you and you should have questions.
YM
So, you are me in 20 years or so?
YM
Ugh. How did I get so fat?
MAX
Macri's doughnuts every Saturday morning. Peanut M&M's by the handful. A few too many beers.
YM
Is there any way I can avoid looking like you? I mean, ugh.
MAX
Well, I suppose you can eat broccoli and asparagus and all that green stuff LEIGH tries to feed you. The stuff you secretly pour down the garbage disposal. Then you would have to run 4-5 miles a day. Join a health club. You know, actually work at it.
YM
No, thanks. I think I'll just get fat. I love doughnuts.
MAX
Yep, God told me he could have made doughnuts healthy, but he was in a bad mood so he didn't.
YM
Wait! You talked to God?
MAX
Yes we did. Remember "I am he and you are me and you are he and we are all together"? He's not a bad guy.
MAX
Well, it wasn't hard… I wrote the play and there it was. You can do anything in a play, I think.
YM
Damn, I keep forgetting. This is all just made up.
MAX
Yes… Based loosely on reality, but all made up.
MAX
Nope, I'm an actor. You aren't real either.
YM begins feeling his body, making sure he is real.
MAX
Well then, what's your name?
The actor inserts their real name.
YM
So if this is not real, then why are people here?
MAX
Like I said, I do not know. But it may be because most folks in the world face the same issues. The world is very confusing for everyone. So, we come to see art and music and drama as a way of trying to figure things out. (pause) The problem is drama and art and music seem to add to the confusion.
YM
So, you are saying that people, these people in the audience, are here to get more confused?
YM(looks out at audience)
Well from the looks of them, we are doing a great job.
MAX(looks out at audience)
Yep, I'd say so too. But we gotta get out of here. I hear LEIGH's car and I don't want her to give me a bunch of chores to do.
YM
Me either… But I need to ask a—
MAX(interrupting)
You are doing fine. Things turn out great. Got to go!
YM and MAX run offstage. Three seconds later LEIGH and YL burst onto the stage.
YL and LEIGH look at each other for two seconds.
They hug each other and then stop and look at each other again.
They hug again. Suddenly they both stop, look at the audience wide eyed.
LEIGH
Looks like an audience?
LEIGH
I don't know, but who cares?
YL
So, I have a bunch of questions.
LEIGH
The kids turn out all right. All three are different. All three are successful in their own way.
YL
How did you know I was going to ask that?
LEIGH
Because I am you! Silly question.
LEIGH
Yes, MAX and I are still together.
YL
I get it… I get it… God I really am annoying, aren't I? Well, here is one: Do I ever start liking donuts?
YL(pause)
Good. Hmmm, let me think… OK, does Max ever eat broccoli?
LEIGH
Never. Eventually you give up trying.
YL
I have to know this one… Does he ever quit farting? God it about kills me.
LEIGH
Let's just say I still use the fan when we are in bed, and it isn't because I am too warm.
YL
Ugh. But seriously, any advice? I mean this relationship stuff is hard.
LEIGH(nods her head)
Eventually it gets easier. Listen, you may want to sit down for this.
YL takes a seat near LEIGH.
LEIGH
In the long run, there are three main ingredients to a happy marriage. The first is Respect. MAX and us have always respected each other and that got us through the easy stuff. The next is commitment, and that gets us through the tougher stuff. Never, ever say the word divorce. And the third is dependability. When all else fails, it is important to have someone who will always pick you up at the airport… or sit with you in the emergency room.
YL
Well, Max is all that… but what about love? You didn't mention love.
LEIGH(laughs)
My dear, that IS love. The reality shows and dating shows you watch are totally senseless. When it comes down to it, love takes a back seat to the other three. You see, relationships are just two people just trying to get along. All that romantic stuff you see in movies, it's all fantasy. Reality hits when you get married.
YL(laughs)
I'm starting to figure that out. But, before we go, tell me what you have learned that is your absolute truth. Something I will come to understand.
LEIGH
That's easy. You will figure out that life is made up of zillions of miracles. Think about this, imagine how many cells in your body have to work perfectly every single microsecond just for you to breathe. Or see, or hear, let alone walk and run and jump. Zillions and zillions of miracles that we don't even think about every single second of every single day. Human beings, every animal, and even trees and grass are miracles, given to us for free by either Nature or God. It is a huge gift.
YL
Wow, I never thought about it like that.
LEIGH hugs YL and pauses, pulls back to look YL in the eye.
LEIGH
And you dear, well you get to be a mom. Some women can't. Some women don't want to, but you get to be a mom. You perform the greatest miracle ever. You create an entire human being and then you get to show it the world. For me, it was the best thing ever. Just hold on dear, you will see.
YL
But does being a mom mean you are exhausted ALL. THE. TIME? When do I get a vacation?
LEIGH(laughs)
Your time will come. If you are successful, the kids leave home and suddenly the house gets quiet. That is when you get to choose your lifestyle. It is a gift for the elders. That is your vacation.
LEIGH
Then, you get to be you. A new you. Hopefully a better you.
YL(pauses, gets up and stretches)
Easier said than done, I think. Time to go, isn't it? Besides, I can't think of the next question. (pause) So, all this is make believe? Yikes. I'm not even a Williams then?
LEIGH and YL hug goodbye. They exit.
MAX and LEIGH sit together reading the Christmas letter.
MAX
Here is the one we wrote about COVID. We were really lucky that COVID never made either of us sick.
LEIGH
Remember I had to work and we had that scare and you slept downstairs and we wore masks and all that stuff?
MAX
Yeah, and then we got tired of it and just went back to normal? Heck, we travelled all over. Motels were cheap, Mount Rushmore was practically deserted, we stayed in cabins that would normally be full. We had a blast.
LEIGH
As long as we had those masks, we thought we were ok.
MAX
We were scared at first. But we thought we should live life. Have some fun.
LEIGH
And we thought everyone else was crazy.
MAX(pause)
You know, Leigh? I think that ended up being the point of COVID. Everyone thought everyone else was crazy.
Stage left lights go off. Stage right lights come up. YL is sitting at the table without her mask on. YM enters, takes off his mask and tries to kiss her. She pushes him away.
YL
Not without a mask, mister. You know the rules.
YL
Well either they do or FoxNews does.
YM
Wasn't FoxNews the one that said we should follow President Trump's advice and inject bleach into our veins? Clorox sales doubled.
YL
That's why I follow CNN's rules.
YM
Isn't CNN the one that said we should all hunker down in our homes and don't go anywhere and stay tuned for further information so we would watch their advertisements?
YL
Maybe, but FOXnews just blames Obama for it.
YM
Funny, CNN blames Trump.
YL
Fox says that if we had invaded China right after we pulled out of Afghanistan none of this would have happened.
YM
Oh My God! Quick! Google "coughing with COVID!" Hurry!
YL frantically looks at her computer.
YL
Put your mask on fast!!
Both frantically run around looking for their masks. They put them on and start talking indecipherable words through their masks for about 30 seconds.
YM(pulls off his mask)
What did you say?
YL(pulls hers off)
I'm not talking to you without your mask on!
YM and YL put their masks back on and continue to shout and gesture at each other through the masks. The words are indecipherable.
YM(pulls his mask off)
This is crazy, Leigh.
YL(removes her mask, yells angrily)
FoxNews will tell us if this is crazy or not!
YM(yells loudly)
No, CNN will!
They meet in the middle, throw the masks in the air, and kiss. Stage right lights go off.
Stage opens to MAX and LEIGH sitting on the bed. On the other side YM and YL are also sitting on the bed. All are wearing Purdue T-shirts. MAX and YM have identical T-shirts and LEIGH and YL have identical T-shirts. YL is visibly pregnant. LEIGH is reading the Christmas Letter book.
LEIGH
Well, that was fun to read. The year Rick was born changed our lives.
MAX
Yeah, it certainly did. You were so calm and I was so oblivious to what was about to happen. And then, there he was.
LEIGH(pause)
I wonder what we talked about. You know, before he was born?
On the other side of the stage:
YL
I can't believe in a couple of months that we will have a baby! I wonder if it will be a boy or girl?
YM
I just hope it is healthy.
YM
Here we go, I guess. From being kids to being parents. Yikes.
All four get up and stand side-by-side at center stage. The dialogue now alternates between past and present — fear and reassurance — in rapid succession.
LEIGH
But it went by so fast!
YL
How will I handle it? A full-time job AND a child?
MAX
Three kids! How did we do it?
LEIGH
I changed jobs six times and you got fired twice. How did we do that?
YL
What if our child gets sick? How will we handle childcare?
MAX
And the kids were getting sick all the time! Somehow we managed the childcare. I don't remember how.
YM
I will lose all my friends and can't play sports anymore.
LEIGH
How did we ever keep our friends? I don't know how we did it!
YL
But what about seeing my parents? How can we possibly take children to Florida on a plane?
MAX
Somehow we were able to take really good vacations and see your parents in Florida. I can't believe we got them on the plane and off. All that baggage.
YM
We will need a new house! How can we possibly afford a new house?
LEIGH
I remember that all I wanted in our new house was a basement. A big basement. To store things.
YL
We absolutely have to have a basement. And a huge garage, and a big kitchen, and four bedrooms just in case.
MAX
Thank God we didn't get a basement. Imagine keeping all that junk! Instead, we bought into a kid neighborhood.
YM
Gosh, if we move, I'm going to have to make new friends… ugh… and all that new furniture? How can we possibly afford it?
LEIGH
Remember that when we moved in, we left three rooms empty because we had no furniture? Then all those things started breaking? The roof leaked, pipes burst, lawnmower broke… all that stuff… How did we do it?
YL
Where will we ever find the money? Where will we find the time?
MAX
Somehow money showed up. I just don't remember how.
YM
I want to be someone important. I want to start my own business. I want to write for Sports Illustrated.
LEIGH
Max, you know you are very important to us. How you and I kept it all together is amazing to me.
YL
I wonder if we have what it takes to stay together. Look at all the folks getting divorced. I'm scared.
LEIGH
I think we were all scared. But we had each other.
YL
All we have is each other.
MAX
That was about all we had. Each other.
YM
At least we have each other, LEIGH. And I'm not leaving.
MAX
Neither of us were going to leave.
YM
We will have to rely on each other.
LEIGH
We relied on each other.
YL
We have to stay committed to each other.
MAX
Somehow we stayed committed to each other.
YM
Why did we start writing that Christmas letter anyway, Leigh?
LEIGH
That Christmas letter sure is funny, but so much of it is true. And I think it reminds us…
YL
I think you and I need a reminder of what it's all about, so I think we need to write it down, don't you?
MAX
I am so glad we wrote this stuff down.
LEIGH
That's what love is.
YL
It must be what love is.
YM puts his hand on YL's tummy.
YM
Well, come on little one, our lives await.
LEIGH
It's time to go Max, the audience looks like it's getting tired.
YL
Yes, come on little one, it's Go time.
All four hug. YL and YM leave stage.
MAX(looks at audience)
Yeah, I suppose we should end this thing. I think we made our point.
LEIGH(looks at MAX)
So what exactly was the point?
MAX
Every family has its own thing, I think. In other families it is something else. It might be Thanksgiving at Grandma's, or it might be Uncle Joe's goofy jokes. In our case, it is the Christmas letter. But whatever it is, if you are lucky it is all about love.
LEIGH
So what are you saying?
MAX
Don't you see? This isn't a Christmas letter. It's a love story. Something we can read, and re-read and feel love again. To feel loved and to give love to others is what life is all about.
MAX
It's time to go. Maybe we can beat the traffic this time.
MAX and LEIGH exit through the audience.
End of Show
— Curtain —
“The Christmas Letters” by Mark Bradford. Written June 30, 2025. Published here with the playwright's permission.