The Massage Gun That Costs More Than an Actual Massage

After a gnarly day kiteboarding at Crandon Park — the kind where you're overpowered and your legs are basically jelly — I decided I needed a massage gun. Not just any massage gun. The Theragun. The one that NBA players use on the sidelines. The one with the triangle handle and the OLED screen.

Three hundred dollars. For context, there's a Thai massage place on Lincoln Road that charges $80/hour. I could have gotten 3.7 actual massages from an actual human for the price of this device.

The Theragun Elite is impressive. The Quiet Force Technology actually works — you can use it watching TV without drowning out the audio. The OLED screen shows you how much force you're applying. The Bluetooth app has guided routines. It's the Tesla of massage guns.

But here's how I actually use it: I turn it on, set it to speed 3, and jackhammer my quads for five minutes. That's it. I don't use the app. I don't check the force meter. I don't follow guided routines. I point it at the sore muscle and press the button.

Bob and Brad are physical therapists with 5 million YouTube subscribers. They designed a massage gun that costs $50. It has 5 speeds. 5 attachments. 32,000 reviews at 4.5 stars — the same rating as the Theragun. It's louder, sure. The plastic isn't as premium. There's no OLED screen. But it does the exact same thing to your muscles: percussive therapy at adjustable speeds.

I'd return the Theragun but I've used it approximately 200 times and it sits on my desk like a $299 conversation piece. Visitors see it and say 'Oh nice, Theragun.' That's worth... no, that's worth nothing.